A blonde joke

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

One soldier

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

Three Englishmen spot a Welshman alone in a pub...

They say to each other "I'm bored, let's pick a fight with him."
The first Englishman walks up to him and says "St. David wore frilly pink knickers."
"Interesting, I didn't know that," said the unfazed Welshman.
Flustered by his failed attempt at angering the Welshman, the first Englishman went back to his friends.
The second Englishman walks up to the Welshman and says "St. David loved to take it in the arse."
"Hmm, I had never heard that before. Quite interesting," said the still calm Welshman.
The second Englishman walks back to his friends, and the third Englishman approaches.
"St. David was English," says the third Englishman.
The Welshman replies "I know, that's what those other two cunts were trying to tell me."

My brother told me this one.
EDIT: Spelling, correcting my lame American attempt at mimicking British dialogue.

A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer are taken to the guillotine...

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."

Jewish tie stand

A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was lost in the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried towards ‘the object’ only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban fighter asked, “Do you have water?!!?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Taliban fighter shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! "

“Okay” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom”.

Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

"Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie”.

Who is best at apprehending criminals?

The CIA, the FBI, and the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later dragging a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming, "Okay, okay! I'm a RABBIT!! I'm a RABBIT!!"

Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

Why do Jewish men get circumcised as youth.

Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just stand around and compliment it, and then get pissed when it won't screw

"Do you have a vagina?"

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady,

'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,

'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,

'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,

'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;

'Do you have vagina'?

'Yes, actually I have one,' she says.

The man replies..

'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

A married couple was in a terrible accident...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Good animal joke

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

A construction worker

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw". The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''

A young boy and a barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Joke directed insult

A woman walks into the doctors office. She says she wants a child, but doesnt want to have sex. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of child she wants. The woman said she wanted a smart and handsome kid. The doctor then hands her a blue pill.

A few months later, the woman comes back and says she has had a miscarriage but still wants a child. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she wants. The woman said she will have a regular kid this time. The doctor then hands her a red pill.

Even more months later, the woman returns and says shes had a miscarriage but still wants a kid. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she will want. She says since the other ones did not work out she will have a ugly, stupid kid. The doctor says ok and hands her a pill.

*At this point the joke teller asks the victim what color they think the pill is.

*The response will most likely be "I don't know, what?"

*The joke teller then says "I don't know, try asking your mother."

Immaturity at its best.

Polish Divorce

POLISH DIVORCE A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean what are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me.

What makes you think that? I got proof.

What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it says:

http://waxingsupply.com/images/EZFlow-50926.jpg

50 Shades of Grey

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Shit Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said she had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!

She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'

So . . . . here I am!"

A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'

They hold up the sign to cars passing by.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.

From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked ... “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied ... “Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

Our neighbour's dog crapped in our garden, so my wife asked me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't know what that solved. We still have dog shit in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying:

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son,

Ninety million US Dollars have just been transferred to your account. Please, stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, Your Dad

A married couple was in a terrible accident...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Ex-Wife

An Avid Sportman and hunter, Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"You were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

He replied, "I wasn’t."

I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery.

None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.

How do you break up an Al-Quaeda bingo game?

Yell "B-52!"

How do you start a rave in Africa?

Glue toast to the ceiling...

What is the difference between a blimp and 365 blowjobs?

One is a Goodyear, the other is a Great year!

Real men lay eggs.....

Shitfaced and happy, Jack comes home from the pub late one Friday evening. Not wanting to disturb his girl, who's already asleep, he creeps into bed beside her, gives her a peck on her cheek and falls asleep.

When he wakes up, he finds a strange man standing at the end of his bed. To make matters even stranger, the man's wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Jack demands, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

With a completely straight face, which unnerves Jack, the mysterious man replies: "This isn't your bedroom and, fact of the matter is, I'm Lucifer's lieutenant'.

Jack is officially stunned.

"You mean I'm dead?! That can't be, I had so much to live for, I didn't even said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away!" he screams.

The Lieutenant pauses for a while and then replies, "Yes you can be reincarnated, but you haven't gathered enough karma for me to send you back as a human. The best I can do for you is send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Jack is devastated, but remembers a farm not far from his house. Mulling it over while biting his lip, he finally asks to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later and he's covered in feathers, clucking around pecking the ground.

"Well, this ain't half bad," he thinks, until he felt this strange sensation welling up inside him.

Soon enough, the farmyard rooster strolls over and says "So you're the new hen, yeah? How's your first day here, so far?"

"It ain't so bad!" Jack the Hen replies, "but I have this strange feeling inside....like I'm about to explode".

"That's because you're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never," replies Jack.

"Well, just relax and let it happen," and the rooster walks away.

And so, taking the rooster's advice, Jack submits to the Lord's whims and waits. A few uncomfortable minutes later, an egg pops out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief sweeps over Jack, and his emotions got the better of him as he simultaneously experiences relief and motherhood for the first time.

A few seconds later, when he's laying his second egg, the feeling of happiness becomes so overwhelming, he knows that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing to have ever happened to him.....

His joy knows no bounds by now, and he's just about to lay his third egg, when he feels an enormous smack on the back of his head. He looks around and there's no one there, so he lets it go, concentrating on becoming a mother for the third time.

Another smack and this time, he hears his girlfriend's voice, calling out in the distance.

Jack looks up, the egg's crown just about to pop through his mother-hole, and this time he hears her clearly:

"JACK, WAKE UP YOUR DRUNK BASTARD, YOU'RE SHITTING ON THE BED AGAIN!"

A man and a woman are applying for a job at the CIA...

They both get to the end of the interview process when they are told there is only one test left. They are brought into a room where the interviewer says to the man:

"Through this door is your wife, I need you to take this gun, go in there and shoot her."

So the man goes through the door... and about a minute later he comes out saying, "I couldn't do it i love her to much."

Now it's the Woman's turn. The interviewer says: "You have the same test, i need you to take this gun, go in there and shoot him"

So she goes in the door... and about a minute later they here two loud bangs, some yelling, a couple thuds, and then a body hitting the floor.

When the woman comes out the interviewer asks what happens, she says: "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, so i had to beat him to death with the chair!"

A Japanese man, a French man, and an American are traveling the amazon...

When out of nowhere, they're ambushed by a pack of head hunters and each one of them is knocked out. When they all come to, they are tied to wooden poles, a native man, the chief, standing before them. He says, "Now before we kill you, I want to let you all know, not a single part of your body will go to waste. We will ground your bones to make powder. We will use your teeth for necklaces and jewelry. Your skin will be tanned and stretched out across a frame to make canoes, and so on." He adds," I will give you all a knife, and you can kill yourselves how you want", he says untiing them. He hands a knife to the French man, he yells, "VIVA LA FRANCE!", and slits his throat. The Japanese man is next. He takes the knife, yells,"BANZIA!", and commits a hari-kari. Then, the American takes the knife, stabs holes all over his body, and says,"THERE'S YOUR FUCKIN' CANOE!"

Three cowboys were sitting around a campfire....

...when the first one decided to brag about how manly he was.

"You know, just last week, a few coyotes came into my ranch, and I had to beat them off with my bare hands."

Not wanting to be outdone in manliness, the second cowboy said "Yeah, I hate it when stuff like that happens. Just yesterday, two of my bulls went rogue, and I had to wrestle both of them at once."

Meanwhile, the third cowboy just sat there quietly, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

A British guy, a French guy, and a Korean guy got stranded on an island

A British guy, a French guy, and a Korean guy got stranded on an island. The British guy decided it would be best for them to split up and meet back the next day. He told the other two that he would build a shelter, and told the French guy to gather food and the Korean guy to get supplies. The next day, the British guy had an impressive shelter built and the French guy showed up with berries and nuts, but there was no sign of the Korean guy. Days passed, and they began to get worried, so they set off in search of him. They walked through the jungle for three days without any sign of the Korean guy. Then on the fourth day, as they were about to give up hope, the Korean guy suddenly popped out from behind a rock and yelled "supplies!"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar

The barman says "Is this some kind of joke?"

The gent's

During a tiring shopping trip with his wife, a guy needs to drop a deuce. He walks into the nearest gent's, and settles down in a stall. From the next stall, he hears a voice.

"Hey, how are you doing?"

Slightly put off, the guy replies "Fine".

"What are you up to today?"

"Just shopping with the wife", he replies.

"What are you doing tonight?" the voice asks.

"Just going to the cinema, nothing special".

"Cool", the voice says, "anyway, I'd better go 'cos some dickhead in the next stall keeps answering me".

Power of Scripture

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood.

"What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.

She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked.

"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!"

A rabbit and a bear dig up an old lamp

A rabbit and a bear are digging for some tasty roots when they come across an old lamp. The bear immediately claims it and yanks it out of the rabbits grasp. Wiping off the dirt from the lamp with them in the process. Immediately a genie bursts from the lamp shouting: "Thank you for freeing me from that prison! I'll grant you 3 wishes each!"

The bear quickly says: "I wish that all female bears are willing to mate with me whenever I want!" "Done!" says the genie. The rabbits thinks for a while and says: "Well, I wish for a nice bright red helmet!" "As you wish!" says the genie and he hands him a beautiful red helmet.

The bear smirks at the rabbits wish and says: "What a ridiculous wish. Why would you want that?" Without awaiting the rabbits answer he turns to the genie and states: "My second wish is that my libido and sexual stamina are increased a thousandfold!" "Done!" says the genie.

"For my second wish", says the rabbit, "I'd like a bright red ultrafast motorcycle which I can drive easily." "As you wish!" says the genie and he hands him a perfectly sized bright red ultrafast motorcycle.

Once again the bear laughs at the rabbits' wish. "Foolish rabbit! You can have anything you ever dreamed of and you wish for THAT??!" Once again the bear turns to the genie. "Genie!", he shouts, "For my final wish I'd like that all the other bears in the world will become female!" Once again the genie says: "Done".

"OK then", says the rabbit as he gets onto his new bright red ultrafast motorcycle and starts speeding off shouting:"for my final wish I wish that that bear turns gay!"

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers

Cell Phone Etiquette

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,

"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Drunk people are always fascinating

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? " he asks the drunk. "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it. " "So how does feeling the roof help you? " He asked the drunk. "Well," the drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!! "

We often criticize pedophiles...

but they, at least, drive slowly near schools...

Detective Interviewing for a Future Disciple

Before you read: When I say "profile picture" I mean a picture of someone facing the left or the right rather than directly at the camera.

A Detective needs someone to work under him, so he decided to do tryouts and it came down to 3 people. The Detective interviewed each of the future disciples one by one in his office.

The first person comes in and the Detective gets right to the point:

Detective:points finger at a profile picture of an escaped criminal "Alright son, name me the identifying features of this criminal right here."

Person 1: "Well this man would be easy to find, considering he is walking around with only one eye."

Detective: "... You are dumb, leave now and tell one of the other two guys outside to come in."

Person 1 leaves and Person 2 enters

Detective:points finger at a profile picture of an escaped criminal "Alright son, name me the identifying features of this criminal right here."

Person 2: "From what I can see, this man would be pretty easy to find considering the fact that he is walking around town with only one ear."

Detective: "... What is wrong with today's youth.. leave and tell the last guy that he may come in for his interview"

Person 2 leaves an Person 3 enters

Detective: "Well you are the last guy and hopefully you are a bit smarter than the last two guys, those two... I don't even know.. points finger at the profile picture of an escaped criminal please name me the identifying features of this criminal right here."

Person 3: "This man wears contacts."

Detective:looks through the criminal's files to see that the criminal does in fact wear contact lenses "Wow son, even though that isn't really an identifying feature, how did you know that?!"

Person 3: "Well it is quite simple really, a person with one eye and one ear wouldn't be able to wear standard glasses and would have to resort to using contacts to correct his vision."

Detective Interviewing for a Future Disciple

Before you read: When I say "profile picture" I mean a picture of someone facing the left or the right rather than directly at the camera.

A Detective needs someone to work under him, so he decided to do tryouts and it came down to 3 people. The Detective interviewed each of the future disciples one by one in his office.

The first person comes in and the Detective gets right to the point:

Detective:points finger at a profile picture of an escaped criminal "Alright son, name me the identifying features of this criminal right here."

Person 1: "Well this man would be easy to find, considering he is walking around with only one eye."

Detective: "... You are dumb, leave now and tell one of the other two guys outside to come in."

Person 1 leaves and Person 2 enters

Detective:points finger at a profile picture of an escaped criminal "Alright son, name me the identifying features of this criminal right here."

Person 2: "From what I can see, this man would be pretty easy to find considering the fact that he is walking around town with only one ear."

Detective: "... What is wrong with today's youth.. leave and tell the last guy that he may come in for his interview"

Person 2 leaves an Person 3 enters

Detective: "Well you are the last guy and hopefully you are a bit smarter than the last two guys, those two... I don't even know.. points finger at the profile picture of an escaped criminal please name me the identifying features of this criminal right here."

Person 3: "This man wears contacts."

Detective:looks through the criminal's files to see that the criminal does in fact wear contact lenses "Wow son, even though that isn't really an identifying feature, how did you know that?!"

Person 3: "Well it is quite simple really, a person with one eye and one ear wouldn't be able to wear standard glasses and would have to resort to using contacts to correct his vision."

The Mathematician and the Waiter

A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician's order: -

'I'd like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please' he requests.

'Why sir!' Exclaimed the waiter. 'That's an order of magnitude!'

I go to the butchers the other day,

and I say to the butcher, "Hi there, I'm looking for Dan. He told me he works for you." The butcher says, "Not any more he doesn't. I fired him yesterday." "You fired him? What for?" "I caught him round back with his dick in the bacon slicer." "He had his dick inside the bacon slicer?" "Yeah. I fired her too, the dirty bitch."

A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'

They hold up the sign to cars passing by.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.

From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

An Englishman, an American, and an Irishman are in a bar...

And as they discuss their plans for the next day, they happen to notice a massive, mountain of a man, with no nose.

The barman notices them staring and says,"That's Tiny guys. He's reeeeeeaaaallll sensitive about the whole missing nose business."

True to form, the Englishman cannot resist on last glance at this peculiar deformity. Tiny sees this and rumbles across the bar with a ROAR, which makes the rafters shed dust. Tiny grabs the Englishman by the throat and slams against the wall.

"WHAT'RE YOU LOOKING AT MATE?!" He yells.

The Englishman (being very good under pressure) replies with, "Oh nothing old chap, but I cannot help but admire your teeth. You have a fine set of teeth, take care of them or they shall rot like mine," he opens his mouth and reveals a set of false teeth.

Tiny is a bit surprised by this, but in true politeness, he puts the Englishman down, brushes him off and buys him a drink.

Ten minutes later, the American cannot help but look one last time. Tiny rumbles across the bar again, repeating the choke slam against the wall and yells,

"THE HELL DO YOU WANT BUDDY?!"

So the American (also being on the ball tonight) swiftly says, "I can't help but admire those darn ears. Those are some mighty fine ears you got there Tiny, you best look after them or you are going to need hearing aids like mine," So of course the American taps his hearing aids.

Tiny, being a true gentlemen, sets him back down, brushes him off and buys him a drink.

20 minutes later, the Irishman glances in Tiny's direction.

Tiny races across the bar, and pins him against the wall by his throat, yelling;

"AND JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE LOOKING AT?!"

So the Irishman, thinking quickly replies;

"Well, I cannot help but noticin' your eyes. You have a fine pair of eyes lad, and you best take good care of them, or you will need glasses like me and that wouldn't work because you got no nose to rest them on."

Bag limit

A guy was on his boat fishing in a pond and caught way over the bag limit. He was heading back to the dock when the game warden stopped him and asked to check what he caught. The warden opens the fishermen's cooler and sees that the guy has surpassed his limit by about 20 fish. The warden tells the man he has too many fish and he is going to cite the fishermen. The fishermen says "No, you see these are my pet fish. I didn't catch them I called them to me". The warden doesn't believe the guy, and so the fishermen tells the warden he will show him. The guy dumps the cooler of fish in the water. The warden waits a minute and says to the guy "ok now call the fish back". ... "What fish?"

Why don't Mexicans cross the border in groups of three?

Because it says "No Trespassing"..

Playing Oregon Trail

You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him, “That’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin’ Terry.